15 Dating Green Flags in Men

A while ago I wrote an article about dating red flags in men. It’s easy to pinpoint the negatives especially after so many disheartening dating experiences and attempts. It’s so incredibly difficult to find a real connection especially when many people are emotionally detached, reserved and don’t know what they want. People of all sexes and sexual orientations struggle in the dating world- some of these struggles and red flags are universal and applicable to all people and relationships, whilst other dating experiences and struggles are more prevalent and specific to a certain gender or orientation.

This article is from my perspective as a heterosexual female, but these green flags are also applicable to different genders and sexual orientations. After so many years of disappointment and frustration in the dating world, I felt ready to give up. I had some crappy relationships with narcissists and emotionally immature guys plus I spent years on dating apps where even getting to the stage of going on an actual date was a rarity. If I did match with anyone, it was met by either a lack of response or a request to meet for sex.

Little by little I was losing hope until I met my boyfriend. We just clicked naturally and organically. It helped that we didn’t meet on a dating app but at a friend’s birthday. I don’t think I’ve ever had a guy treat me so well before. Of course I went into dating him scared and cautious because of my past experiences, but he consistently showed up for me and never made me doubt his actions. Below are the green flags that made me have faith and hope in my boyfriend and the progression of our relationship.

1. He’s kind to you.

My boyfriend’s kindness was a big part of the reason that I fell for him. True kindness is a quality that is so hard to find. Women have been brainwashed by society and patriarchy to see kindness in men as a weakness.

Kindness for me is such a turn on as it shows that a guy is a good person- that he’s empathetic, selfless and caring. Being treated with genuine respect and kindness is a key ingredient to forming a healthy and loving relationship. A kind person will always be there for you and support you. A kind person is sensitive to your feelings and needs which is so important in a relationship. Relationships often fail because one or both of the partners are selfish and don’t care about their partner’s needs and feelings.

2. He doesn’t play games.

Game playing is a sign of immaturity and lack of respect. It also makes it difficult knowing where you stand and how the person really feels about you. My boyfriend had always been open about his feelings, honest and consistent. He’s never once sent me mixed signals or has blown hot and cold.

A guy who doesn’t play games is one who is secure in himself and doesn’t need validation. There’s no better feeling that knowing where you stand and that you matter. If a guy plays games when you start dating or at the beginning of a relationship, it will likely lead to other abusive and manipulative behaviours such as gaslighting and other mind games.

My narcissistic ex played games at the beginning of the relationship. I never knew where I stood with him. He love bombed me and was all over me one minute but distant and uninterested the next. Then he progressed to exhibiting more dangerous behaviours.

3. He likes you more than just physically.

On the dating scene it’s not hard for many women to feel like they’re an object or a piece of meat especially after countless proposals for no strings sex. Personally there’s nothing that makes me feel more worthless than a guy who isn’t interested in who I am as a person.

I know that my boyfriend finds me physically attractive but his attraction for me goes beyond how I look. I know that he is attracted to who I am as a person and my qualities. He loves my intelligence, my humour and my passionate personality.

Somebody who only cares about the outside sees their partner as easily replaceable. If they gain a bit of weight or age, they’ll leave them for a younger model. They see a partner as a trophy and an accessory, not somebody they can build a loving and deep connection with.

My narcissistic ex only cared about my appearance. He always complimented me on my looks but never on my qualities and personality. In fact, he would constantly criticise and devalue me. He wanted me to be submissive and have no personality.

4. His actions speak volumes.

This is something I’ve learnt from my vast experience of dating. Words really are meaningless if the actions don’t match. It’s very easy to tell somebody what they want to hear. My exes would tell me that I’m beautiful and amazing and that they were in love with me, but their actions didn’t match their words. They were distant, cold and unsupportive. My narcissistic ex constantly criticised me and made me feel like shit.

What I love about my boyfriend is that his actions speak louder than any words. Yes he says lovely things to me, but more importantly he shows me with his actions that I matter. Two weeks ago, my beloved cat died. Instead of running away or distancing himself from me, he came to my home and met my family under unideal circumstances in order to support me when I got the shocking news. He called me everyday to check how I was and he was a shoulder to cry on. He listened to me talk about my cat and offered me comfort.

My boyfriend is always there for me. He always sticks to his word and has my back. I know that I can count on him. He’s always kind to me and never makes me feel bad or self-conscious about myself.

5. He makes you feel good about yourself.

My exes and guys I dated in the past made me feel shit about myself. I felt like I was never good enough and that I wasn’t worthy of their time, affections or respect. Whenever they did show a shred of interest, it temporarily made me feel good and worthy, but only for those feelings to plummet again when they froze me out. They never consistently made me feel good about myself.

My boyfriend makes me feel beautiful, sexy, worthy and talented. He never makes me doubt myself or feel like I’m not enough. Exes have made me feel that I’m not attractive enough by making insensitive comments about my weight or looks. One ex boyfriend thought I should lose weight and kept reminding me to wear make-up. I know that my boyfriend likes me whether I lose or gain weight, and with and without make-up. You know you’ve found a good guy when your self-confidence has never been higher.

6. He’s secure in himself.

Deeply insecure men will play games, put you down and be overly needy and sensitive in order to feel better about themselves. Whilst everybody has insecurities, emotionally mature people deal with their insecurities in a healthy way.

For example an emotionally immature person will hurt, push away or break up with their partner because they’re scared of being hurt. A secure and emotionally mature person may have the same fear of getting hurt, but they give their partner a chance and allow themselves to be vulnerable. They don’t assume that every person will hurt them especially when there is evidence that their partner is compatible and invested in the relationship.

Emotionally secure and stable people aren’t draining to be around because they don’t constantly need their ego boosted and validation from their partner. They’re content within themselves and don’t rely on others to make them feel validated.

7. He respects your space and boundaries.

From the get go my boyfriend has always been super respectful of my space and boundaries and has never put pressure on me. He’s never made me feel guilty about taking my time. If anything, his respect for my boundaries made me want to open up and take certain steps in the relationship such as going on holiday together.

With my last ex, he completely disregarded my space and boundaries. He put pressure on me to take things at his pace and guilt-tripped me. He pressured me into being intimate with him before I was comfortable and in the early stages bombarded me with messages and calls and wanted me to give him all of my time despite barely knowing him.

When a guy respects your boundaries and space it shows that he’s mature and cares about your feelings. Immature people want everything on their terms and like a child, will use manipulation to get you to do what they want.

8. He’s reliable.

Again society teaches women that reliability and stability isn’t sexy and that a man who messes you around is desirable and normal. I love that my boyfriend is reliable. It shows that he respects my time. He feels bad even if he’s five minutes late.

Unreliability is all too rife in the dating world. I’ve been messed around by so many guys who only wanted to meet when and where was convenient for them including wanting to meet at the last minute. I’m not a last minute kind of person. I have other commitments and activities that I’m not going to abandon because someone feels like doing something when it suits them. It’s not being spontaneous, it’s being selfish.

Unreliable behaviour is a huge turn-off for me. How can you count on somebody who is inconsistent and only makes time for you when they feel like it? It doesn’t bode well for the future of a relationship. Most guys who are unreliable usually have other women on the go and that’s why they don’t make time for you.

9. You can talk to each other for hours.

I’ve never connected with anybody like with my boyfriend. We can literally talk about anything and everything from politics to religion and not get fed up.

If the conversation flows, it shows that you’re highly compatible and share the same values and interests. The most important thing though is feeling listened to and that your views matter. Not only do my boyfriend and I have great conversations, but he listens to what I have to say.

Conservations with my narcissistic ex were draining and boring because he would only ever talk about himself and only thought that his opinions were right. He talked at me and expected me to agree with him.

With my last ex, most of our time was filled in silence. It felt like he was a million miles away. He was distant and reluctant to talk. When I spoke he didn’t listen much either. Comfortable silences are normal and natural, but too much silence is a sign that you have no common ground. Enjoying one another’s company and being able to talk at length is a good sign for a relationship. A relationship without common ground or an emotional connection quickly falls apart.

10. His values align with yours.

Sharing the same values is key to building a successful and lasting relationship. There’s no point being with somebody if you don’t have the same goals or outlook on life. You’ll only end up getting hurt. My boyfriend and I want and value the same things. We value monogamy, communication and honesty. We also share the same Jewish values which is something that really unites us.

There’s no point of being with a guy if he for example doesn’t see himself committing to one woman, but you value monogamy. Or if he’s very religious and you’re completely anti-religion. Perhaps he really wants kids but you don’t. No matter what connection you have, that connection rarely overrides those differences. Yes people convert for partners or change their values, but does that really equal happiness and true compatibility? Love shouldn’t cause pain, suffering and conflict. What’s the point of investing in somebody if there isn’t a future for the relationship or your future will come with many complications and sacrifices?

11. He encourages you to pursue your passions.

There’s nothing more attractive that a guy who wants to see you succeed and isn’t intimidated by your success. My boyfriend encourages me to pursue my writing further. He wants for me to become successful in what I love doing. He also takes an active interest for example he shows interest in the subjects I write about and he wants to help me to get my content to reach a wider audience.

There are many guys out there who are so self-absorbed that they show little interest in anybody but themselves or everything for them is a competition. So you’ve written a book or have run a marathon; he’s not impressed. In his eyes he could “easily” write an even “better” book or run fifty marathons.

However love bombing behaviours can include feigning interest in you. Over time, you’ll realise that a love bomber was never really interested- he forgets or doesn’t care about your passions and no longer shows interest unless it benefits him in some way.

12. He makes time for you.

We live in a past-paced world where people have a lot less time. I believe that if you really like somebody, you’ll make time or adjust your schedule. My boyfriend always makes time for me. During the week it can be hard to meet as we have work and other commitments, but my boyfriend always makes time to call me. Speaking on the phone is so underrated. I find phone calls always build excitement for when you next see each other and keeps you connected.

Many guys I’ve dated in the past have never bothered to make time thus leading to things fizzling out. As mentioned, these guys only want to meet when convenient for them and are not willing to be flexible.

My narcissistic ex never made time for me. His availability on weekends was limited which now looking back on it was a red flag. Seeing or speaking to me wasn’t a priority for him. He wouldn’t message or communicate with me for days and when we did meet, our meetings together weren’t very long. We never spent the night together (he never wanted to) nor spent several hours together.

You could argue that he did make time, but it wasn’t the sort of quality time that a couple needs together to build and strengthen a relationship. Quality over quantity also matters. A guy could want to meet you three or four times a week for sex, but you spend no more than two hours together each time and don’t do things that romantic couples do. Making time doesn’t just mean availability to meet, but the quality of time. With my narcissistic ex there was very little intimacy, which is vital for a relationship to thrive.

Of course in the early stages of dating you shouldn’t expect to spend hours with somebody or meet several times a week. However, the more you spend time with somebody and see it heading towards relationship territory, you should be increasing the frequency and quality of time and communication together. At first my boyfriend and I didn’t message very often and conservations were more limited to arrangements to meet, but now we message every day. Neither of us are avid texters and we don’t like lengthy text conversations, but the quality of our conversations are more intimate, plus we speak on the phone.

My narcissistic ex’s messages to me were cold and abrupt, not like messages you send a girlfriend. He rarely communicated with me. He claimed he hated messaging and WhatsApp yet he was always online. He had time for everyone but me.

13. He accepts you for who you are.

My narcissistic ex wanted to mould me into the type of partner that he expected; meek, submissive and easily led. He also used my mental health problems against me and gaslit me into thinking I was crazy and that I needed serious help. Yes I have depressed, OCD and anxiety, but my conditions are under control and I’ve had plenty of therapy in the past. I’ve learnt many techniques from therapy to manage my conditions and am able to function normally such as hold down jobs and have a fulfilling social life.

My boyfriend knows about my mental health problems but doesn’t judge me or see me as somebody who is incapable and unhinged. My boyfriend likes that I’m passionate, opinionated and intelligent. He accepts my flaws such as my crankiness, impatience and lack of spontaneity. He doesn’t want or expect me to change who I am.

Previous guys I’ve dated have said I’m too sensitive and difficult. It could also be that when you’re with the right person, they bring out the best in you. I’m far more relaxed and less sensitive around my boyfriend because he makes me feel secure and doesn’t make insensitive or hurtful remarks then accuse me of being overly sensitive.

14. He’s a good communicator.

The reason my boyfriend and I get on so well is because he’s a good communicator. There are many people who don’t know how to communicate, are afraid to voice their needs or use lack of communication to play mind games. Men have always been taught not to show their feelings thus many aren’t able to communicate their feelings.

Some men don’t even know how to communicate positive feelings. How can you know if they like you if they can’t tell or show you? I understand many men feel worried about rejection, but as my mother always says, if you don’t take a risk you don’t drink champagne.

Also frustration and anger can build when you don’t communicate how you feel. My exes would never communicate their feelings with me which made it so confusing to know what was wrong or where I stood. I didn’t know why they were upset, angry or annoyed. Lack of communication leads to toxic behaviours like giving your partner the silent treatment and being unkind to your partner. Lack of communication also means refusal to engage in difficult conversations with your partner and understand their feelings and perspectives.

My boyfriend always communicates how he feels about me and what’s on his mind. He won’t shut me down when it comes to uncomfortable topics and cares deeply about my feelings. I always know where I stand with him. I know that whatever difficulties may arise in the future, we’ll be able to navigate them efficiently and work through them.

15. He doesn’t take himself too seriously.

There’s nothing worse than a guy who can’t laugh at himself. My exes took themselves extremely seriously and laughing at themselves would mean a huge dent to their ego. I mean my last ex got upset because I didn’t like one of his cringy dad jokes. My narcissistic ex thought he was perfect and that he could do no wrong.

A guy who takes himself too seriously is also one that conducts his life with very little humour- everything in life has to be super serious. It’s good to be serious about certain aspects of life, but you can’t take yourself too seriously when it comes to dating. I’ve been on dates with men who treat a date like a job applicant. Being able to laugh together is a cornerstone of a relationship.

My boyfriend and I definitely share a lot of laughs. I also don’t worry about having to be super cautious in order not to dent his ego like with my exes. My boyfriend and I went for karaoke and his singing wasn’t great (nor was mine). I told him that his singing was below par and gave his performance a savage 3/10 (though I of course appreciated that he took part and had fun which is ultimately what counts). He didn’t take it to heart and joked about his bad singing. If I had told my exes that their singing wasn’t great, they’d be hell to pay.

There are of course many other green flags, but I’d say those are the key ones for me. Which of these green flags do you think are important and what other green flags can you think of? Let me know in the comments.