15 Dating red flags in men
Dating in this day and age is a daunting and even traumatic experience for many. I can’t keep up with the myriad of new dating terms encapsulating the harsh realities of the dating world. There are decent guys out there, but you have to kiss a hell of a lot of frogs and learn many difficult lessons.
In this article, I will share some behaviours from my vast experience of dating that you should be wary of. I think the main thing is if you have doubts, don’t dismiss them or believe that you’re the issue. I know that some of these red flags may seem obvious, but it can also be easy to dismiss or try to rationalise these things especially when you’re really into someone.
Whilst nobody is perfect and we’ve all got qualities that people find irritating, if you’re dating somebody and their actions are making you unhappy and frustrated most of the time, it may be best to trust your instincts and call it quits. Some behaviors are inherently selfish and lead to lack of success in terms of having a loving and fulfilling relationship. These behaviors stem from the refusal to deal with past trauma, narcissism and emotional immaturity.
1. Being too intense.
Whilst it’s not necessarily a bad thing to show your emotions or be serious, very intense people often leave you feeling drained and overwhelmed.
Intense guys don’t respect boundaries and demand trust, commitment and a lot of your time in the early stages of dating before you’ve even gotten to know them properly. They pressure you to open up about personal things before you’re ready. Super intense people are often overly sensitive, childish and manipulative.
If a guy is making you feel emotionally drained and puts pressure on you do things you aren’t ready for, it’s not a good sign. Emotional intensity is a sign of deep insecurity and emotional immaturity.
2. Love bombing.
Whilst it’s nice to be complimented and have a guy be on the same page as you, if it’s feels too good to be true, it often is. Love bombers will rush things and talk about things like moving in together, marriage and babies extremely early on in the relationship before you’ve even gotten a chance to get to know one another. It’s all too much too soon.
They may lavish you with attention, compliments and gifts. They’ll agree with everything you say and tell you everything you want to hear.
Love bombers quickly reveal their true natures. Often their words and actions don’t match. They’ll tell you that you’re amazing and wonderful only to ignore you and play mind games. Then they soon start criticising and devaluing you.
What’s the difference between a love bomber and somebody with genuine feelings? The difference is the intensity and respecting boundaries. Somebody that genuinely likes you won’t want to rush things. Whilst they give you compliments and make you feel good, they’re not over the top about it. They won’t recite corny lines like, “I’ve never felt this way about anybody,” and, “you’re the most beautiful, intelligent and incredible woman I’ve ever met.” Somebody with genuine feelings will show you that they care about and adore you in more than just words. Guys who genuinely like you are often more guarded about their feelings out of fear of rejection or not wanting to come on too strong. A love bomber moves at a pace of a thousand miles per hour. They want to sweep you off your feet and create a false sense of security.
3. He’s extremely insecure.
Whilst most people have insecurities, there’s a difference between managing your insecurities; dealing with them in a healthy way, and allowing them to consume your life and affect relationships. Dealing with highly insecure people is draining and exasperating. It also puts pressure on you to rub their ego and act as their therapist. Fearing their reaction if you say the wrong thing can feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
In the early dating stages, insecurity comes across as intense and full-on. Signs of insecurity include constantly asking their date what they think of them and if they find them attractive, constant need for communication and and demanding commitment too early on.
Deep insecurity also spells problems for the future of the relationship as the insecure person doesn’t trust their partner and constantly makes them feel guilty and responsible for their insecurities. Ironically deeply insecure people end up hurting their partners and do the things that they fear their partner doing such as cheating and breaking up with them so they don’t run the risk of getting hurt. Think of the people who accuse their partner of cheating only to end up cheating themselves.
My most recent ex would beg me not to hurt him or leave him, only for him to end up hurting and leaving me.
4. Neediness.
Whilst everyone can be a bit needy sometimes, too much neediness isn’t a good thing. If you’re dating someone and they make you feel guilty for seeing friends or having alone time, that’s definitely not healthy and is a red flag. If someone is needy, it’s not because they adore you so much and love spending all their time with you like your pets, it’s because they don’t feel comfortable being alone or dealing with their insecurities and negative feelings. They also feel jealous that there are other people who want to spend time with you. An extremely needy person can be like a small child in that they demand your constant attention and comfort. You want a partner, not a child. Neediness is selfish and means lack of respect for personal space, development and interests. Remember neediness doesn’t mean love and adoration, but a selfish desire to be at the center of their partner’s world and for the partner to meet all of their emotional needs.
5. He doesn’t respect your boundaries.
I’ve already touched upon this but if he doesn’t respect your feelings and time, it’s a big no-no. Not respecting boundaries includes neediness, not listening to or caring about your needs, and pushing and manipulating you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable.
Maybe you’ve told him that you’re busy with something yet he’s still blowing up your phone with messages and calls. Or maybe he wants you to move in together after two months of dating but you feel it’s too soon, but he doesn’t understand that you don’t want to rush things and makes you feel guilty.
My ex didn’t respect my space and boundaries. For example he was upset and actually cried because I didn’t feel comfortable going round to his house for a second date! In his mind he interpreted that as meaning that I didn’t want to see him even though I was happy to meet him elsewhere. He made me feel guilty and manipulated me to come to his.
If he doesn’t respect your boundaries and uses manipulation tactics so early on, it really doesn’t spell out a very promising future.
6. Everything is on his terms.
Again this is very similar to not respecting boundaries. A guy who wants everything on his terms is deeply selfish and doesn’t respect your time and needs. This includes only wanting to meet when and where is convenient for him. This is the kind of guy who will ask to meet out of the blue because he’s feeling bored and horny. He’ll say that he’s being spontaneous when he calls you up randomly on Thursday evening and asks if you want to go out right now despite the fact you’re in your pajamas ready for bed. These guys are so selfish as they expect that women will wait around for them and change all of their plans to suit him.
This is not spontaneity but selfishness. It’s lack of respect for people’s time and plans. This kind of guy is all or nothing. If you don’t do what he wants, he’ll ghost you. He’ll also try to manipulate you to do what he wants. This kind of behaviour is disgusting, narcissistic and shows complete and utter lack of respect for others.
7. Lack of effort and not making time.
Lack of effort and time is such a common reason for relationships not to progress. Guys who don’t make an effort have poor communication skills. Unlike the intense guy who bombards you with messages, there are guys who are the polar opposite.
Whilst not everybody is good at messaging or prefers to communicate online, there’s a stark difference to checking in with the person you’re dating every other day and arranging to meet, and going for days without messaging you or taking hours to respond to texts especially when it comes to arranging to meet. When they do respond, it’s to tell you they can’t meet or they give monosyllabic replies like “lol”.
Some guys are just cowardly and not man enough to tell you they aren’t interested and won’t communicate regularly or arrange to meet in hope that things will fizzle out. There’s no point chasing somebody who freezes you out and isn’t bothered to see you. Being busy is not an excuse.
If you’re too busy with work or other commitments, don’t date or find another job with a better work/life balance. Nobody is asking anyone to devote all of their time to getting to know somebody or give up their interests, but I believe that if you want something or someone, you’ll make the time and effort.
Yes in some cases, a guy might not make an effort because he doesn’t know whether you’re interested in him so it’s important to make it clear if you are actually interested in him. If you’ve made it clear that you’re interested and you’re still the one doing the chasing and always initiating contact, don’t bother with him. If he likes you, he won’t sit around expecting you to do all the work and initiate all the contact.
8. He blows hot and cold.
Game playing is rife in the dating world. One minute he’s all over you and the next he ignores you for days. His words don’t match his actions. He leaves you feeling confused and questioning yourself and if you did something wrong. If somebody actually likes you they’ll be consistent about it and show it through their actions.
There’s no excuse for going long stretches of time ignoring you unless he’s in a coma, lost his phone and had no other way to contact you, or is stuck in Cuba with no WiFi. Blowing hot and cold is a sign the he doesn’t know what he wants and sees you as a reserve for when he might need you further down the line.
9. He always talks about finding the “one”.
This may sound romantic but actually a guy who keeps banging on about finding “the one” is one to be wary of (no pun intended). Guys who drone on in a melancholic way about wanting to find love do so in order to gain your sympathy. Boo hoo he’s just a good guy who wants to be loved but nobody wants him.
From my experience, guys who go on about finding the one have high expectations and are looking for perfection. They’re usually hung up on an ex and want to find a replica of their ex, or hope that the right woman will take away their insecurities and anxieties. They’re also obsessed with lust and want that intense feeling of passion all the time. Of course lust isn’t real love and the intense chemical high eventually wears off.
These guys also don’t realize that no woman will save them from their problems. They might help alleviate the symptoms for a while but they will never get to the root of the problem. The only person that can help you is yourself and that includes taking responsibility and realizing that youare the problem. For example a guy with commitment issues will hope to find the right woman who will make his commitment issues go away. Unless the commitment phobe goes to therapy and works on his commitment issues, no woman will be good enough.
10. He makes you feel high one minute and low the next.
Again this is similar to a guy who blows hot and cold. You feel like complete and utter shit when he doesn’t reply to your message for days, but when he replies, you’re on cloud nine. You have the most incredible date and all the signs that he’s into you are there but then you don’t hear from him or when you do, he’s distant and moody and contradicts himself.
Maybe the other day he said he really enjoys spending time with you and wants to keep on seeing you but the next day he says that after some thought, he thinks you’re incompatible. You feel sick to your stomach and you question what you could have done to put him off.
Many people tend to get caught up on the feelings of lust especially when they’re really attracted to somebody and there’s that instant sexual chemistry between you. It’s easy to overlook that the person is a complete shit and put up with the crippling lows.
Somebody who really likes you should be a stable influence on your emotions. The highs may feel amazing, but they’re not worth anything if they’re followed by feelings of depression, confusion and obsession. It’s like getting really drunk. It feels great at first, but then when the drunken low and tiredness hits, you feel terrible. Guys who play hot and cold like this often have narcissistic tendencies and use it as a manipulation tactic.
11. You don’t actually have fun together.
When I look back at my past relationships, I realise that I never actually had fun with my exes. My narcissistic ex only enjoyed speaking about himself and how great he thought he was all the time, and my last needy and insecure ex was so caught up in his insecurities that I had to spend most of the time reassuring him. He could also be extremely moody and quiet and I felt like he wasn’t really present when we spent time together.
My exes and I never really went anywhere interesting or fun. We never shared deep belly laughs or were silly with one another. I can be very playful and I like being silly and jokey. I can also laugh at myself, but my exes couldn’t do because they took themselves so seriously. Whilst in the initial stages, it can be hard to feel relaxed because you’re nervous, if times progresses and you’re not truly enjoying that person’s company, maybe it’s time to reassess the relationship.
12. You have no common interests or values.
A common theme with my exes and previous dates was that we didn’t really have anything in common. I’m not talking about liking the exact same things such as the same music or hobbies, but seeing the world in the same way.
You might not like all the same things, but if you’re both curious, open minded and like trying new things, that can really unite you and help you to understand one another better. They may introduce you to new things such as a new genre of music or hobby that you never knew that you were interested in.
Even if you don’t like all of the same things, it doesn’t matter. No two people like the exact same things. Maybe the guy you’re seeing is football mad and you’re not, but you still have loads to talk about and share the same values. Or you might like the exact same music and have the same taste in films, but you don’t see the world in the same way and have conflicting values.
He could be traditional and close minded, but you’re modern and open minded. Sharing the same values is far more important than liking the same rock band. Can you talk for hours on end about politics, science, sociology and religion? Is he enlightened? Do you both want and value the same things in life such as family and marriage? That’s far more important than liking the same football team.
13. He’s tactless and thoughtless.
A guy who really likes you will always try to build you up and make you feel good about yourself. Even if he does say the wrong thing without meaning to, he’ll be very apologetic and upset that he upset you. All of my ex boyfriends were tactless and made me feel like rubbish. Whilst some of them did apologise, it felt very much like a double standard. If I said anything that they didn’t like, they would hit the roof and see it as a huge dent to their ego.
If you feel like the guy you’re seeing constantly takes things you say the wrong way, but doesn’t get why you make a big deal out of something tactless he says to you, that’s a huge red flag right there. If he refuses to apologise for upsetting you and can’t understand why you feel upset, he’s most probably a narcissist.
A narc will never accept being in the wrong. In their mind, they’re always right and you’re the one with the problem.
14. He wants you to change in order to be with him.
You should never change for anybody. Unless a person displays toxic behaviours that destroy relationships, nobody should have to change unless they want to do it for themselves. Often when a person wants someone to change, it means suppressing a part of their personality and identity. My narcissistic ex wanted me to be meek and submissive, but that’s not part of who I am.
Wanting somebody to change can also include wanting to person they’re dating to convert to their religion or ideals. Whilst people do convert for love, the convert shouldn’t do it out of pressure or an ultimatum. Change can encapsulate many things from religion to relationship style. Change should always come from within not from another person.
If a person doesn’t accept you for who you are and wants you to change, you’ll never be able to be your true self around them. Like I said it’s acceptable to demand a partner to change if their behaviours are toxic and are impacting the relationship for example alcoholism, drug use and violence. If he wants you to change the way you dress, act and talk for example, the only thing you should change is the partner.
15. He’s always moody.
Whilst bad moods are inevitable in life, if you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around him, he always takes his bad mood out on you and he constantly brings you down with his negativity, it’s time to reconsider if he’s really right for you.
It’s understandable to be in a bad mood if your boss is being a jerk to you, but moodiness for no apparent reason or for the smallest thing such as telling him you prefer his blue shirt over his yellow one, is a warning sign. Women have wrongly been taught that moodiness is an attractive quality in men, but persistent moodiness shows inability to regulate emotions, negativity, deep seated anger and passive aggression.
It can be difficult to know where you stand with a guy who is always moody. You fear that you said or did something wrong. Also moodiness creates a negative and unpleasant atmosphere. It’s very difficult to be around somebody with so much negative energy.
Whilst there are plenty more red flags, I’d be here all day trying to list them and many are extremely obvious. What other red flags can you think of and for male readers, what are your red flags in women? Also for LGBT readers, I’m interested in hearing your dating red flags too.
