5 Lessons I’ve learnt in 2024.
As 2024 is drawing to a close, here are a few pearls of wisdom that I’ve gained throughout the year. I believe that life is a continuous learning curve and a person will never evolve or mature unless they’re willing to introspect and learn from mistakes and experiences.
1. Don’t be afraid to cut toxic people out of your life.
Unfortunately I’ve dealt with a lot of toxic people this year but on the flip side these people are no longer in my life. A huge betrayal from a so-called friend that I had known for years and considered a close friend, plus draining dealings and drama with other toxic friends really made me reassess my friendships and boundaries.
The betrayal of my so-called friend, let’s call him Ben* really shook me to the core. Although he had previously displayed volatile and unhinged behaviour, I never thought that he would do what he did. He sent me several abusive and threatening messages, he tried to start a smear campaign against me and he tried to push me out of our friendship group. I had to get the police involved.
Ben has tried to reach out multiple times to rekindle the friendship but for me the friendship is dead. Perhaps in the past I would have been more forgiving but now I don’t want anything more to do with him. I would never be able to trust him again. His vile attack came completely out of the blue and was unprovoked. Friends and family suspected that he had romantic feelings for me and snapped because I didn’t return his feelings.
I really mourned my friendship with Ben but I refused to allow the good times to cloud my judgement. Although I suspect that Ben has huge psychological issues, it doesn’t excuse his behaviour. I also don’t believe that he’s truly sorry. He’s sorry that he didn’t succeed in ruining my life and that by his actions, people shunned him instead of me.
Ben wasn’t the only toxic person that I had to let go of. I made a new friend at the beginning of the year named Lola*. She was great fun and we seemed to click but she quickly became very intense and needy. She would ring me every single day and want to speak for hours. Lola wanted me to be at her beck and call. She was constantly embroiled in some petty drama and always had a problem with someone.
When I got into a relationship she was the only friend who wasn’t happy for me and tried to sabotage my relationship by saying untrue and unkind things about my boyfriend. Luckily I knew it wasn’t true. Lola was angry and jealous that I found a boyfriend and it meant less of my time would be devoted to her.
I’m glad that I cut Lola out as she was extremely toxic and draining. I also had to distance myself from another friend who constantly used me as a therapist. She wouldn’t ring to see how I was. She would just ring me to vent.
As hard as it was losing these friendships, I knew that they were unhealthy and that these “friends” didn’t have my best interests at heart. These experiences taught me to be more shrewd and not to allow people to take advantage of me. I allowed these people to take advantage of me by acting like a free therapist and enabling their poor behaviours. I allowed Ben to take his anger out on me and even when I saw how he spoke to and about other women (Ben is definitely an incel), I continued to be his friend. I wanted to see the good in him. I thought he was a good person but just lost and misguided. Although Lola was extremely needy, childish, selfish and unreliable I enabled her by not being firm enough with her about my boundaries.
True friendship is about give and take. True friends understand boundaries. They support you and celebrate your successes instead of being consumed with jealousy and bitterness. True friends don’t drain you with constant dramas or demand all of your attention. They don’t try to sabotage you or turn on you when they don’t get their own way. Toxic people are like emotional vampires: they suck the energy and life out of you. Since being free of these toxic so-called friends, my life is so much better and simpler.
2. Love often comes when you’re not expecting it.
After so many years spent being single and not having very much luck in love, I gave up on ever finding love. I thought that if by the age of 32 I haven’t found anyone or had a long-term relationship, there’s little hope for me. I focused on embracing single life. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being single by the way. I enjoyed many wonderful experiences during my single years. I think a lot of people can benefit from being single. I did a lot of soul searching and I evolved a lot as a person. I don’t know if I’d be the person I am today if I spent those years in a relationship.
However it’s human to desire love and companionship. My boyfriend and I got together at Lola’s birthday. We knew one another before through Jewish events and mutual friends. We had spoken briefly at these events, but we never took things further. He asked for my number at Lola’s party and asked me out for a drink.
I didn’t even think that it was a date. I wasn’t sure that he was interested in that way. In my wildest dreams I never expected it to go anywhere. For a start, my boyfriend wasn’t my usual “type” and I would never have imagined that there would be something between us.
The first date was great. We talked and talked. We had so much in common and I loved his company. I still didn’t expect things to go anywhere but I decided to be open and give it a chance. It was one of the best decisions I’ve made. I found myself really liking this guy and becoming more and more attracted to him.
It made me realise how pointless and superficial the whole “type” thing is. When you connect with someone on a mental and spiritual level, they become the sexiest person in your eyes. My boyfriend makes me so happy. No guy I’ve ever dated or liked has ever made me so happy or has treated me like a queen. I just love being with my boyfriend. We can spend hours and days together and not get fed up of each other. He makes me laugh and he’s so caring and supportive. He’s one of the smartest people I know but also one of the most modest. He’s also the best I’ve had in the bedroom department.
I never expected that I’d find somebody so amazing. I think finding love when you least expect it and with the person you never expected to find it with can be way more exciting and mind-blowing than endless Tinder dates with guys who are your usual type.
3. Don’t be scared to take risks and get outside of your comfort zone.
I’ve always loved travelling but until I hit 30, I was never very adventurous when it came to travel. I visited some incredible places such as Israel, Germany, Italy and Greece, but I wanted to see more of the world outside of Europe. I was scared to solo travel outside of Europe. My family and friends either didn’t have the time, money or desire to travel to the destinations I wanted to visit. I was single too so had no boyfriend to travel with.
I decided that it was futile waiting to find a boyfriend to travel with or for friends to change their minds. I would never see the world if I relied on others so I decided to take the plunge. I knew I wasn’t brave enough to travel completely solo to some countries so I looked into group tours. I don’t like group tours as I get anxious around new people and am not good at making friends, plus group tours can have exhausting itineraries. However sometimes it’s the only option if you want to stay safe or travel to multiple cities and countries at ease.
In 2022 I booked a trip to Cuba. It was an incredible experience and gave me the confidence to travel outside of my comfort zone. South Africa was always a country that I was desperate to visit. It’s known to be an extremely dangerous country but I didn’t want to allow fear to hold me back. I did a lot of research beforehand and sought advice about measures I could take to increase my safety.
Despite this I feared that I was making the wrong decision and that the trip would be a disaster. Such as disaster that I’d be put off travelling for life.
Luckily the trip was a success and I came back feeling more confident and fearless. I actually felt pretty safe in South Africa. I was worried I wouldn’t cope on my own during the free time without the group but it was fine. I stuck to the safe areas and got ubers instead of walking the streets in Cape Town and Johannesburg alone and taking public transport. Uber in South Africa is very safe and cheap. I only walked by myself in safer areas or areas close to my accommodation (never at night). I was a bit nervous but was careful not to draw attention to myself and not act like a tourist. I also booked other tours not included in the original tour.
Since my trip to South Africa, I feel less afraid to travel to less developed and less safe countries. Almost no country, apart from small and wealthy countries like the Vatican and Monaco, is completely safe. As long as you do your research, stick to tourist areas in less safe cities and regions, don’t draw attention to yourself (for example by wearing revealing clothing or carrying expensive items), and stick to a group or tour if you can, you should be absolutely fine.
Having said that, there are some countries where the level of danger is so extreme that no normal safety measures will be enough to keep you safe (or alive). I definitely have no desire to visit countries like Afghanistan, North Korea or Yemen. I value my life too much. Also some countries have practically zero tourist infrastructure which can make travelling there an extremely unpleasant and difficult experience.
4. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.
Very sadly and unexpectedly in August, my beloved cat Lucky got run over and instantly killed. I think about him and miss him every single day. It’s the worst bereavement since my father’s death 18 years prior.
For the first few days I cried constantly. I felt like I was going insane from grief. I stopped being able to cry after a while and would try to keep busy in order to stay sane. I felt guilty that I could no longer cry. I felt guilty for enjoying myself and spending time with my boyfriend. I felt guilty for wanting to get another cat (one that looked like Lucky) to fill the void. I felt guilty for feeling numb.
Going through a major grief the second time has been a lot different. I internalised and repressed a lot of my grief when my dad died. I was just expected to get on with life. There was no leeway for me. The teachers and my mum weren’t understanding about my poor grades. I still got bullied and excluded. I was expected to be resilient because I was young and had “my whole life ahead of me.” My mother’s grief was seen as more valid because she had lost her husband of almost twenty-five years and was left with many responsibilities.
At the same time, people cruelly accused me of not caring about my dad because I struggled to cry. I felt for so many years that I had grieved wrong because I felt numb all the time and struggled to show my emotions. Later I learnt that I kept my emotions bottled up and didn’t want to talk about my dad because my emotions were so intense. Thinking and talking about my dad was too painful.
My grief with Lucky was different this time round. There are far less expectations placed on you when a pet dies. People are far less judgemental. Many people don’t understand that the death of a pet can be just as acute as the death of a human.
I had far more of a support network around me this time. When my dad died, I had no friends to support me. People also understood my grief because most had been through the death of a pet. When I was fourteen, very few people my age had gone through the death of a parent.
This time round, I allowed myself to fully experience the pain. I didn’t bottle up Lucky’s death and put a cap on my feelings. As a teenager, I was too young and immature to understand how to handle grief. I thought that talking and thinking about my dad all the time would make the pain unbearable. It was frustrating listening to my mum constantly talking about my dad because there were so many memories and things about him that I was too young to remember. I felt envious that my mum and older brother had more memories of him than I did. A lot of memories of my dad were also tied to my traumatic childhood of having a severely disabled brother.
I don’t punish myself for not “grieving the right way.” Just because I’m more open about my grief of Lucky doesn’t mean that I didn’t care about or love my dad. A child or teenager’s grief is different to an adult’s but it doesn’t make it wrong or less valid.
I talk about Lucky all the time. I relive the happy memories. Enjoying myself or wanting another cat doesn’t mean that my grief is less. I will always miss Lucky. He will always have a special place in my heart. I just hope that he’s in the spiritual world with my dad waiting for me.
5. Keep writing.
It can be difficult to motivate yourself to write especially when you feel that there’s little reward or incentive. As much as I love writing, it can be extremely frustrating at times. Turning it into a profession or business is the hardest of all. As a self-published author of a novel, I know how soul destroying it can be. I’m currently in the process of writing another novel but I’ve taken an unreasonably long hiatus. It’s definitely my new years resolution to finish my novel in 2025.
In addition to writing novels, writing on Medium is my love. Let’s face it; it’s much easier to write an article than a novel. Also you can write about various different topics and ideas which makes writing articles more exciting and dynamic. The more I write, the more my ideas and motivation grow.
I never used to be that motivated with writing on Medium. I would write from time to time. I didn’t really believe in myself hence I didn’t write that regularly. My boyfriend really believed in me and encouraged me to keep on writing and to make a business out of it. I’ve recently begun to monetise my writing, something I never thought I’d be confident enough to do.
It really helps when you have people around you who believe in you. It’s important though to believe in yourself and your abilities and to keep on doing what you love even if you feel that you’re not getting anywhere with it. Do it because you love it. If you show your passion through your writing, others will pick up on it.
This year I’ve been churning out articles like crazy. The more I’ve written, the more traction I’ve gotten. Some of my articles are more popular than others but that doesn’t matter. I write to be authentic and true to myself. Would you write a novel about a genre you hate but will attract a bigger audience or a novel with a more niche genre that you’re passionate about but attracts a smaller audience? Write because you have something genuine and interesting to share with the world.
Yes you will get more traction the more you write, but not every article will be popular. Having said that some articles are sleeper hits and can randomly gain a lot of traction. I hope to write even more articles in 2025 and finish my book.
I’m excited for the new things I’ll learn and discover in 2025. What lessons have you learnt in 2024? Happy new year to all of my readers. I hope that 2025 will be a good year for you all!
