Can men and women ever really be friends? Well it depends on certain factors.

Can men and women ever be friends? This is an age old question and conundrum that people still debate. For most people it’s a staunch yes and for others it’s a firm no, but very few people take an in-between stance. Firstly you have to ask yourself what friendship means to you. Does a Facebook friend that you haven’t spoken to in years count as a friend or is a friend for you somebody who you share a close bond with and see on a regular basis?

I believe that there are different types of friendships. There are close friends that we entrust with all of our secrets and speak to on a regular basis, friends through social circles that we see at events and parties and usually have fun with, friends through work and friends that we don’t keep in touch with very often or at all. I believe that men and women can be friends, but whether or not they can be close friends is a different and complex question.

I have male friends but what do those friendships mean to me? I’m part of a large social group that comprises of both men and women. How close am I to my guy friends? Well we’re all part of a large WhatsApp group, we like to banter each other and we sometimes meet as a group or see each other at social events. Do I message or call my guy friends just one to one on a regular basis? By regular basis I mean at least once a week. No. Do I regularly meet them one on one for a catch up? No. Am I satisfied with the way things are? Absolutely.

I’m not the kind of person who can talk to my friends for hours every day or who gets withdrawal symptoms if they don’t see their bestie at least twice a week. This is regardless of gender. Female friendships can be very intense at times and it can be good to take a break. I’ve had “close” male friends in the past and I say close in inverted commas because these friendships became very complicated.

The most important thing when establishing male/female friendships are boundaries. It’s very easy for boundaries to get blurred. This happens far too often. A friend of mine, let’s call her Lola* was recently forced to cut ties with a guy friend, Reuben*, after he developed strong feelings for her.

Lola and Reuben would speak everyday on the phone for hours. Lola would always instigate the calls. I told her that she needs to be careful as I suspected that Reuben liked her as more than just a friend. She assured me that she was clear with him that she only saw him like a brother and nothing would ever happen between them. Even though she made this clear, I thought that the contact was too frequent for two people who are just friends. Reuben’s feelings for Lola grew to the point where he couldn’t continue with the friendship anymore.

I’ve had the same thing happen and I’ve been on both ends. I was recently betrayed by a so-called guy “friend”. Let’s call him Ben*. We were close friends for six years. I had an inkling that he liked me as more than a friend, but I assumed that he knew that nothing would happen between us and I saw him in a purely platonic way like how Lola felt about Reuben. However I always kept a distance and boundaries around Ben.

I didn’t call or message him very much. I’m not a huge lover of messaging anyway. Ben would get annoyed if I took ages to get back to him or didn’t pick up his calls. People around me noticed that Ben had feelings for me. I saw signs too but like Lola assumed that he knew that we were just friends.

Now I look back at it, there were signs that Ben wanted to progress our “friendship” into something more. He wanted for just the two of us to go away on holiday together and suggested sharing a room which I felt uncomfortable about. He was touchy feely with me and often said I was beautiful, attractive and wife material.

I feel like I was very naive about my “friendship” with Ben. He had many female friends which I think also gave me false reassurance that he’s capable of seeing women as friends. One day Ben just snapped and became vile and abusive towards me. He tried his best to cast me out of our friendship circle. He used personal things I had told him in strict confidence against me and posted it on a public WhatsApp group. He started a smear campaign and tried to gain personal information about me from other friends.

Luckily my friends and community stuck by me. He only ended up casting himself out. The damage was done and I cannot ever forgive him for his disgusting and unhinged behavior. Family and friends speculated that he was in love with me and he cracked because I didn’t reciprocate his feelings.

As long as there is attraction on one side, male/female friendships will never be equal to that of same sex friendships. Even if one person knows logically that the friend isn’t interested in them romantically or sexually, it doesn’t make it any easier to navigate that friendship. I’ve also been on the receiving end of a friendship where my guy friend didn’t feel the same way about me. I was friends with a guy, let’s call him Jack*.

I met Jack through events and we got on really well. I thought he was intelligent and attractive, and we seemed to have a lot in common. We met and messaged one another fairly regularly. My feelings for him began to develop, but I suspected that he didn’t feel the same way about me. I began to distance myself from him as it was hard knowing that he didn’t like me back. He also got a girlfriend and it wasn’t easy seeing him with her.

Of course I’m over it now and I have no hard feelings towards Jack. I would catch up with him if I saw him at an event, but I can’t imagine us being close again. Since he got into a relationship last year, he’s been off the radar anyway.

Getting into a relationship can often change the dynamic of a close male/female relationship. The new partner can often feel uncomfortable and the friend can feel threatened or jealous by a new relationship especially if they harbor feelings.

The truth is that sex and attraction do get in the way. Some people will remain friends with a person of the opposite sex in the hope that one day their feelings will change. I like to call this “side lining.” This was the case with Ben. He was waiting on the side lines hoping that my feelings would change and when they didn’t, he couldn’t handle it anymore.

I know dynamics like this. I know a girl who is best friends with her ex. He clearly still has feelings for her but she takes advantage of his good nature, knowing that he’ll do anything for her even going as far as picking her up from a friend’s house in the middle of the night. Now she has a boyfriend and I’m sure the dynamic has obviously changed a lot. Even if she continues to be besties with her ex, her boyfriend surely can’t be happy about it. I wouldn’t be very happy at all if my boyfriend was close with his ex. I would be suspicious if either or both still had feelings for one another. This is why I don’t agree with staying close friends with an ex.

The few cases in which I believe in close friendship between a man and a woman is when one or both are gay. This is probably a reason why many women tend to have gay male friends. There’s no risk of sex and attraction coming between you. Even if a woman thinks her gay friend is attractive, she knows firmly that he’s only attracted to men and that’s highly unlikely to ever change. Plus many gay men tend to exhibit characteristics and behaviors that many straight women are not attracted to in a male.

Another instance where it’s possible for men and women to be close friends is if there’s zero attraction on both sides. A few years ago I became close friends with a guy at work. There was zero attraction on both sides- he was only attracted to very thin and petite women (definitely not me) and he was small, extremely thin and weedy like a boy (not my type at all). We had good banter and got along very well. We regularly went to events together after work and hung out.

Unfortunately the only reason the friendship fell apart was because he said something really horrible to hurt me- he said maybe I’d be more popular with guys if I lost weight (I was a normal UK size 12/US 8 and I’m 5"8! I was also struggling with body image issues). He refused to apologize for hurting me. Anyway my point is that up until that point our friendship was easy with no sexual or romantic undertones.

What about having opposite sex friends when you’re in a relationship? As I mentioned I have many male friends, which my boyfriend is cool with. As I mentioned it’s all about boundaries and context. I have male friends who are part of my friendship circle, but we don’t have close one on one friendships. It’s important and healthy to have opposite sex friends. Men and women interact in daily life, so somebody that has a problem with opposite sex friendships (within boundaries obviously) or interactions is deeply insecure. Not allowing or wanting your partner to even talk to somebody of the opposite sex is controlling and abusive behavior.

You also have to ask yourself what you feel comfortable with. Are you OK with your partner having opposite sex friends that they’ve known for years and are part of their main friendship circle? Are you OK with your partner suddenly getting friendly with a new work colleague of the opposite sex and regularly having lunch just the two of them and messaging one another nearly everyday?

Male/female friendships are not as black and white as people want to believe, however they can be very complex. I do believe that opposite sex friendships can be healthy and beneficial. Having opposite sex friends can help you relate better to and understand the opposite sex and enable men and women to have more respect and understanding for one another. It’s also important to be able to interact with the opposite sex successfully and without awkwardness- opposite sex friendships teach that. It’s deeply unhealthy for men and women to see one another merely as sex objects and forbidden fruits like many strict religions teach. Distancing and separating yourself from the opposite sex apart from family will only make sexual desires stronger and will mean lack of ability to communicate in any capacity with the opposite sex.

I went to a strict all girls school. The lack of interaction around boys meant that I didn’t know how to act around them. I would just giggle and struggle to form a coherent sentence around them. I thought about boys all the time and being deprived of them meant that I didn’t know how to act or behave around them. Opposite sex friendships can teach men and women to control their desires and realise that there’s more to the opposite sex than just sex and appearance.

However any friendship can become intense and unhealthy. I have female friends that also struggle with knowing boundaries though in a different way to male friendships. Establishing boundaries is vital. It’s also important to evaluate the opposite sex friendships that you have or potential friendships. Do they just want to be your friend because they want to get in your pants or do they have romantic feelings for you and hope that eventually you’ll reciprocate? Are they touchy feely with you or get upset if you take ages to reply to messages or do they think that you don’t message them enough? Do they keep telling you how attractive and incredible you are and how someone would be so lucky to have you?

Also think about your communication and actions. Do you message them everyday and call them at 2 o’clock in the morning because you’re feeling low? Do you tell them how much you love them and would be lost without them? If I had paid a bit more attention and hadn’t been so naive with Ben, perhaps I could have put a stop to the friendship much earlier before things got out of hand.

Also be mindful of your expectations from a friendship and think about what friendship means to you. Are you the kind of person who is happy to touch base with a friend once every few weeks or do you need regular contact at least every couple of days? People are different in their expectations. If you want a close friendship with the opposite sex, think about how realistic and viable it really is in the long term especially if they aren’t gay and there’s some attraction on both or either side.

What are your views? Do you think men and women can be friends and if so, in what capacity? Do you have any close friends of the opposite sex? Have you had any friendships of the opposite sex become complicated? Let me know in the comments.