Dear angry incels who comment on my articles: stop blaming women for all your issues.
Everyday I receive angry, bitter and hateful comments on my articles. The majority are from men. Men who are angry when you speak the truth and expose their messed up way of thinking. I write a lot of articles about gender inequality and unfair societal expectations that society pushes onto women. I hold a balanced perspective about both genders. I do not blame men for all of women’s issues. This is a wider societal issue that has spanned through many generations and centuries of patriarchy.
Women also internalise these unjust norms and expectations as well as men. Women are not perfect angels and play a part in enabling these unfair expectations. There are many women who take advantage of men or allow men to take advantage of them. The point that I want to make clear is that I don’t blame ALL men. There are many decent and enlightened men out there who respect women and see them as equal.
It’s a fact that since the beginning of early mankind, women haven’t been given equal treatment to men. For generations, women have been oppressed by patriarchal society. Whilst there has been a vast improvement in women’s rights and equality, it doesn’t mean that everything is all hunky dory for women. Women are still being oppressed in many parts of the world and there is still a lot of patriarchal residue that has been left behind in society.
I’m not ignoring the fact that men don’t face problems. Of course they do, but you can’t hold all women accountable whilst ignoring the inequalities that women face. Why are you so angry hearing about women’s struggles?
I recently wrote an article about struggles women face when dating. I wrote in my article that I would be interested in hearing about the struggles that men face with dating, leaving things open for a balanced and fair discourse. Only I was met with bitter and twisted vitriol from many men, blaming women for all of their issues and accusing me of daring to complain about the dating scene when “it’s all women that cause these issues” or making sweeping generations such as that all women only care about how much money a man has. Whilst maybe this is true for some women, many women don’t care. Having said that these are the same men who feel emasculated by women who earn more than them.
Both men and women need to speak openly about the struggles they face when dating in order to understand one another better and resolve these difficulties. Incels just use women as scapegoats to pin all of their deep seated issues onto. One of my close ex guy friends is a typical example of an angry and bitter incel. When we were friends he used to rant about dating and how all women ever did was treat him like shit and use him. My ex guy friend, let’s call him Ben*, was always getting involved in dating dramas but he was adamant that he was never the issue.
I should have seen the signs. Ben would get angry if people didn’t respond to his messages right away and he was always falling out with people. He always insisted that the people he fell out with were to blame- they were disloyal and treated him badly.
Recently Ben and I had a huge fall out resulting in me never wanting to speak to him again. He became very nasty and personal for no reason. I had seen him the week before at a friend’s party and we had a great time. I messaged him as I was feeling low and needed to talk to a good friend (he messaged me many times in the past to vent and when he was feeling low and I supported him). At first he was understanding but then became very nasty. He sent me several abusive messages and proceeded to post personal and private messages I had sent him on a public WhatsApp group. I felt so betrayed. Friends and family stipulated that he was in love with me and was angry I didn’t feel the same way, therefore reacting in such a vile manner.
He sent me a back handed apology three weeks later, saying he was sorry but he was more hurt because “I had ignored him” (I saw him the week before the fallout!) and that he was so insulted that I told him that he can’t get a woman (I only told him that after he sent me a string of deeply abusive and personal messages). I said to him that no wonder he can’t get a woman if he behaves like that.
It made me think that if Ben behaved like this towards me, that’s probably how he reacted to women he was dating- becoming irate and abusive if the women didn’t respond to his messages quickly, lashing out over the smallest things and then playing the victim.
Another clue to Ben’s misogynistic attitude was his response when I told him to stop harassing and abusing me. He said, “you’re a typical woman playing the harassment card.” Instead of taking responsibility for his behavior, he shifted the blame onto me. Just like with very dating failure he would blame the woman instead of look at his own behaviour.
Understanding the opposite sex takes two to tango and communication. Yes both men and women behave badly and it’s about taking mutual responsibility. Both men and women ghost one another and have unrealistic and sexist expectations. Angry incels will always play the victim though like Ben. It’s easier to blame others and play the victim than to confront your own flaws.
Constantly blaming other people is a sign of deep immaturity and unresolved anger. Incels you will never find a woman if you keep on blaming them for rejecting you. No woman wants to be with a guy who is filled with bitterness, resentment and anger, and doesn’t show any humility. Incels you may accuse women of rejecting you, but you’ve probably rejected women as well. Ben would accuse women of rejecting him when he also rejected women he didn’t think were compatible.
If the quality of women you want are rejecting you, perhaps you don’t have the qualities that these women are looking for. Women don’t want bitter, angry and childish men that take zero accountability. Or perhaps you’re only going for the type of women who only care about money, looks and social media. You then generalise that all women are the same.
Your values are also conflicting (see my article about “7 Ways that Misogynists Contradict Themselves) for example you don’t like independent and successful women yet you’re sick of women who always expect men to foot the bill and have sole financial responsibility. You want a traditional woman but only on your terms- traditional for you isn’t a two way street. You complain about women never making and effort, but you don’t make an effort either. If you’re full of contradictions, how can you ever expect to meet someone? If you’re bitter and angry about women all the time, how can you expect them to like you?
Instead of only thinking about what women have to offer, start thinking about what YOU have to offer (and no, it’s not about money and status). Instead of being angry at women for rejecting you, think about the women that YOU’VE rejected! Perhaps you need to change your type or perhaps you need to stop relying on dating apps. Being angry and bitter won’t make women want you. The only way you’ll stand a chance is if you start trying to understand women instead of diminishing their experiences and only wallowing in your own pity. The enemy isn’t women, its YOU. And until you realise that and work through your issues, you’ll remain a lonely and bitter incel.
