I got diagnosed with autism at the age of 32.

It was suspected for many years that I was on the autistic spectrum. When I was 12 years old, psychologists said I met the criteria for an ASD diagnosis, but my late father didn’t want me to have a diagnosis. He was scared that I would be stigmatized and that it would impact my self esteem. However my autistic traits did seem to “subside” as I grew older.

Throughout adulthood, there were times when I thought I was definitely on the spectrum and times where I thought maybe not as I’m not “typically autistic.” As research shows, autism presents itself differently in men and women. Women are just better at masking it. More and more adult women are being diagnosed with autism and it’s about time. Autism is not just a “typically male” condition. Women have been socially conditioned to be more sociable, empathetic and self-aware than men. Female special interests have always been seen as more acceptable such as a female obsession with a boy band is seen as more normal than a male obsession with trains.

I was diagnosed recently after many years of waiting. It was a relief to be honest. It was a relief to know that there was a reason for why I never fitted in and was seen as “odd.” A lot of people say that I don’t seem autistic and they would never think I was, but again when I feel comfortable around certain people, I’m outgoing, friendly and funny. I find it hard to feel comfortable around people. I’ve never considered myself a people person. I find too much social interaction exhausting.

Here are some signs of autism that I have and were present growing up. I know that no two autistic people are the same and not everybody experiences the same signs or behaviors.

1. I’ve always struggled to connect with people.

I’ve always loved animals, not people. I understand animals but just not people. Even having studied psychology I still don’t understand people. I struggled to make friends ever since early childhood. It’s like everyone got the memo on how to interact socially with others but just not me.

I was bullied throughout school and even at university. I thought I would find it easier to make friends at university but it was even harder. I just struggled to fit in with people and understand social cues. For example I thought that people liked me when really they were making fun of me for being different.

In big groups of people I always struggle especially with the group dynamics. I struggle with conversation and being heard. I struggle with switching to different topics and keeping track of different conversations. I’ve always hated group work and am not good at working in a team. I prefer doing things my own way, the way I like them. I’m far more focused and efficient when I work by myself. Again with team work I struggle with group dynamics.

I get super anxious going to social events especially when I don’t know people. I find making conversation exhausting. I’ve had to really get out of my comfort zone because if you don’t put yourself out there, you’ll never meet anyone, but it doesn’t mean that it’s easy or enjoyable. Although we like time alone, people with autism also get lonely and crave interaction. When I’m with my friends or with like-minded people that make me feel at ease, I feel more relaxed and have a good time. I’m just not naturally sociable and I get a lot of anxiety around people. It takes a lot to get me out of my shell.

2. I alway found it difficult to make friends.

I’ve already touched upon this but I thought I’d elaborate more. Growing up I only had one close friend who was also autistic. She had an official diagnosis whilst I didn’t. We were both made fun of and bullied for being different. I was still thrilled that I had one best friend — someone who understood me. Unfortunately we went to different schools and drifted apart for a few years before getting back in touch and becoming besties again.

Throughout high school I was completely alone. I made short term friendships but they never seemed to last. Again I found making individual friendships easier but again I struggled with group dynamics and being a part of my one friend’s friendship group. Throughout high school I was a loner. I was a loner at university too. I was made fun of and struggled to effortlessly make friends like everyone else.

I’m very fortunate that today I have a wonderful group of friends. In my mid twenties I decided to connect with my Jewish roots and I became a part of the community. I’ve made so many incredible friends who accept me as I am. I found it easy to fit in and I enjoy going to social events and parties with my friends. With my friends I’m outgoing, fun and “normal”. I’ve also made a lot of friends at my new job where a lot of my colleagues are also on the spectrum and share my passion for intellectual discussions.

3. I hate small talk.

I hate small talk with a passion. I find it so false and unstimulating. I prefer in depth intellectual discussions. Discussions about ordinary mundane surface level things don’t interest me and serve no purpose. Small talk mentally tires me. I’m sick of discussing the weather and my job for the hundredth time. My hatred my small talk means I’ll even avoid neighbors in order to avoid making small talk with them.

4. Work difficulties.

I don’t like people but I don’t mind working with them on my terms. I work as an English as a second language teacher. I find teaching creative and intellectually stimulating. I like being in control in the classroom and helping others to achieve their goals. I put my all into being the best teacher I can be.

Teaching is also fairly predictable. I like knowing exactly what I have to do and having clear instructions and plans. I struggle with jobs that include working towards targets, include attention to detail or that are unpredictable with too many instructions that I don’t have time to process (that’s also part of my dyspraxia). I don’t like not having a plan or not being intellectually stimulated.

I also struggle socially working as part of a team. I’m also an easy target for work bullies; something I’ve faced a lot. I’m not bold and confident in the workplace nor am I good at reading people. I’m extremely sensitive as well especially to not doing something well and to people being unkind to me. Most people can brush off mean colleagues or being criticized for their work but I take everything to heart. For me making mistakes is not acceptable. My confidence plummets and I feel like a failure. That leads to my black and white thinking.

5. Black and white thinking.

I don’t always see this as a flaw or problem. It’s just the way that my brain makes sense of things. Things are either right or wrong and for me there’s rarely any in-between. It can be an advantage as it means you don’t put up with shitty behavior or excuses. For example in my eyes cheating is always wrong and there’s never an excuse no matter what.

Sometimes black and white thinking is a bad thing as it can lead to extreme thinking and stop you from seeing the positives. For example if I get complimented by pupils for my teaching, I feel like the best teacher, but when I get not so positive feedback, I feel like a complete failure. When one person is nasty to me, I think that all people are nasty and that nobody likes me.

6. Sensitivity to noise and space.

I’m extremely sensitive to sound; the smallest sound irritates me. Looking back it probably explains why I’ve always suffered from insomnia. The littlest noise or light disturbs me. I have to sleep in absolute silence. I also struggle to sleep in unfamiliar settings.

Silence for me is bliss. I hate loud noises including loud music, loud talking and especially crying babies and toddlers. Most people find these things irritating, but I find it especially difficult to tolerate. I also hate being in the same space as lots of people. I hate crowds and large groups of people so things like concerts are a no-go for me. I hate people being in my space or being near me. I can’t stand it when someone walks too close to me or behind me in the street.

7. Problems with executive functioning.

I’ve always struggled with organizing, planning and time management. I find it hard to switch from one task to another and have poor short term memory (though my long term memory is strong). Research shows that over 80% of people with autism have problems with executive function.

I always thought that my dyspraxia caused a lot of my problems with executive function but it’s likely the autism as well (many people with autism are also dyspraxic or dyslexic). I struggle with mundane every day tasks such as tidying up. I get very frustrated when I can’t do something or when something takes me a long time. I can have a meltdown if I can’t do something such as follow the correct directions. Google Maps is my worst enemy. My poor coordination means that I struggle with making things neat and tidy or doing things right. I get lost and confused if I receive too many instructions. It takes me a long time to learn new skills and I need a lot of practice. However I’m very good at things that require a lot of concentration which leads me to my next point.

8. Hyper focus.

If you give me one task and I’m really into it, I can do it really well and I’ll do it until I’ve finished it. The problem is that I can become too focused on something and it will take up all of my attention and time to the point that I’m not watching where I’m going or that I won’t get anything else done. I find it hard to stop what I’m doing. My brain can often just fixate on one thing. Sometimes I just can’t let go of something or get it out of my head.

9. Specific interests.

I wouldn’t say my interests have all been “obsessive”, but I can get really hooked on certain things. I wouldn’t say it’s a bad thing as I love learning and I believe the more knowledge you accumulate the better. I think autism can make the learning process a lot easier. I love learning languages and about Judaism. I love general knowledge. I’m addicted to the game Scattegories and at one point filled notebooks with A-Z of different categories. I like to write things down in notebooks.

I have been obsessive about certain interests though. When my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer before COVID (luckily she’s been NED for over 3.5 years), I spent hours each day researching about lung cancer and my mum’s specific cancer. My mum joked that I could become a lung cancer specialist. For me gaining as much knowledge was a way for me to cope with my mum’s illness. It did get very obsessive as I would research for hours and get disheartened reading articles indicating bad prognosis.

10. Difficulty with expressing emotions.

I find emotions overwhelming and difficult. I struggle to talk about feelings or to show them. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have them; I’m just not very good at expressing them. I’m not a person who cries or expresses my love easily to people who aren’t my family and cats. I prefer action and reason over emotion. I don’t see the point of sharing my feelings if people can’t say anything that will make me feel better or that doesn’t have any reason or rational basis.

I care about people and I feel deeply inside but I just don’t always know how to express it or know what to do and say.

So there you have it. Receiving a formal diagnosis has helped me to understand myself a lot better. It’s made me feel relieved that’s there’s a reason for why I struggle to fit in and why I experience the difficulties I do. I hope that by sharing my story I can help others. In my next article I’ll write about common misconceptions about people with autism.