If Hollywood stars can’t make marriage work, what message does that send about marriage and relationships?
When the public announcement confirming the end of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck’s marriage hit headlines last week, many people were unsurprised. Rumors and signs that their marriage was in trouble had been circulating for a long time; from public spats to spending long periods of time apart.
Divorce is a common epidemic in Hollywood. The demise of some marriages are predictable whilst others not so such as the end of Isla Fisher and Sacha Baron Cohen’s marriage. The end of their twenty plus year relationship came completely out of the blue. There were no signs of trouble; they seemed like a strong and united couple.
Not too long ago, Meryl Streep announced the end of her forty something year marriage to sculptor Don Gummer. I thought to myself, if people can call it quits after 20, 30 or 40 plus years, what hope is there for the rest of us? How can you throw away a relationship or marriage after so many decades? So many decades of shared memories, love and raising a family?
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck were engaged twenty years prior only to rekindle their romance later on. Isla Fisher always gushed about Sacha Baron Cohen and what a strong marriage they had. Many of these Hollywood celebrities started out so in love and completely dedicated to one another. Even the marriages don’t seem to end out of bitterness, betrayal and hurt as you would expect. Most of these celebrities post statements in response to the end of their marriage or relationship saying something along the lines of, “it is with love, kindness and respect for one another that we decide to end our marriage. We will always love one another and remain great friends.” Very reminiscent of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s “conscious uncoupling.”
If you have so much love, kindness and respect for one another, why are you ending your relationship or marriage? Why end a relationship or marriage if there’s no cheating, abuse or toxicity? Hollywood marriages especially have the advantages that ordinary people don’t have such as access to the best therapists and enough money and flexibility to have time together. An ordinary married couple with kids often doesn’t have the time and money for therapy, quality time and holidays together without kids. Yet many of these couples still seem to make their marriage work. So why do celebrities really break up and what message does it send? Here seem to be the main reasons.
1. Growing apart.
This is an age-old excuse that people use. It’s inevitable that life challenges such as juggling childcare and busy careers mean that people have less time for one another. All kind of relationships not only romantic have the potential to grow apart. For example my best friend from primary school and I grew apart when she moved away. We didn’t speak for years, but one day we got back in touch and started speaking. We became close again and are still close friends to this day.
Obviously romantic relationships are different and I don’t advocate not speaking to your partner for years, but my point is that it is possible to grow back together again. Many people grow apart because they stop communicating like my friend and I. People expect everything to come naturally and easily and think that they should be immune to life challenges and obstacles.
Relationships and marriage takes work and constant communication. How can you expect closeness and a good relationship if you don’t put any effort into spending time together and communicating with your partner?
2. Falling “out of love”.
This follows on from the first point. Hollywood films and relationships focus on lust, not love. Many of the marriages and relationships start out as great love stories such as Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck’s relationship. Both fell madly in love working on a film together. They had a whirlwind romance and got engaged, only for their relationship to end. Nearly twenty years later, their paths crossed again and they fell in love all over again.
Many relationships and marriages don’t last because people think that once the lust and intensity lessens, it means that you no longer love one another. Anything new is naturally more exciting and fresh, but familiarity always sets in. Once you get to know somebody and spend more time together, you get to see all facets of their personality. Certain things will irritate and annoy you. Those intense and electric feelings will settle once you get to know another better, but that’s not a bad thing.
It’s like getting a pet for example. At first it’s super exciting because it’s new and the process of getting to know a pet is really enjoyable especially if you get a kitten or puppy. They’re usually super playful and fun. Once your pet becomes familiar, those feelings of excitement settle. Does it mean that you don’t love your pet or being around them? Absolutely not. You still love them to death (well maybe in my case), but that excitement you had at the beginning naturally lessens because it’s not new anymore and the everyday responsibility kicks in. It doesn’t change (well hopefully shouldn’t change) how you feel about your pet. Most normal people are devoted to their pet for life. Some cruel people do unfortunately abandon and rehome pets because they get bored of them once the novelty wears off.
Lust alone is not correlated with successful relationships. Naturally your partner will annoy you and you’ll have disagreements, but that’s normal in any type of relationship from friendship to family. Nobody is perfect and people will always have flaws and weaknesses. Unless they’re extreme, abusive or toxic things, you should work on it.
Many people like celebrities, jump from relationship to relationship in hope of finding “perfection.” The majority of Hollywood stars go through countless marriages and relationships throughout their lives. The only way to form a long-lasting and satisfying relationship is by looking past lust, improving communication and learning to navigate life challenges and changes working together and not against one another.
3. Irreconcilable differences.
Irreconcilable differences is the most common reason that celebrities file for divorce. Irreconcilable differences mean that the couple do not get along anymore and cannot or are unwilling to work through their differences.
As I previously mentioned, it’s impossible that you will constantly live in harmony and never annoy one another. Again it’s all about learning how to communicate with one another. Disagreements and arguments (as long as they’re not too frequent or explosive) are a normal part of a relationship. You won’t agree on every single thing. Important topics such as children, religion and key values should be discussed prior to marriage.
It’s not necessarily the differences that are the problem but refusing to communicate, compromise and find a solution.
4. Long distance and conflicting schedules.
Travelling and being away from home is the part of the parcel of being a Hollywood star. However, if your career is impacting your relationship, something needs to change. Either try to work around your schedule more, be more flexible or take on less work. Alternatively if work is more important, you shouldn’t be in a relationship full stop!
Hollywood stars have the advantage over ordinary mortals that they have enough money to cut down on work or take a break when they need it. They also have enough money for private jets to fly and see their partner if they’re away filming.
Any relationship will fail if you don’t make seeing one another a priority. Long distance relationships and relationships where you have to spend long periods apart are the most challenging. Absence doesn’t necessarily make the heart grow fonder. Regularly being apart and not making time to be together, will extinguish the flame in any relationship. If you want a lasting and fulfilling relationship, you can’t expect it to work if you’re unwilling to make adjustments and changes to save the relationship.
Unfortunately many people emulate and worship celebrities. Celebrity culture influences all aspects of people’s lives from fashion, beauty trends and relationships. Marriage in the celebrity world is disposable and superficial. Spending millions of dollars on a wedding is more important than the commitment and vows of marriage. The wedding industry is worth a gargantuan 14.7 billion dollars thanks to people who want a glitzy celebrity inspired big day. People want the glitz and glamour and the fairytale but they aren’t prepared to honour the commitment and vows of marriage.
So what’s the solution? Celebrities are not solely to blame for high divorce rates and the toxic dating world; there are of course other factors but celebrity culture needs to change. Society needs to stop idolizing celebrities. They are not gods nor are they a superior breed. Celebrities are flawed and imperfect just like you and me. Many encapsulate the worst qualities of humanity such as narcissism, vanity, superficiality and greed.
Why look up to people who don’t honour relationships and commitment? By all means admire and look up to celebrities for their talent (if they have any), but be mindful that they are just people like everybody else at the end of the day. I love Meryl Streep as an actress. She’s an absolutely outstanding and rare talent, but would I ask her for relationship or marriage advice? Absolutely not.
Whilst there are rare exceptions of successful and life long marriages in Hollywood such as Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, even the seemingly most solid couple can prove you wrong. There’s no doubt that Jennifer Lopez will find husband number five. Rumour has it that Ben Affleck is growing closer to his ex-wife and mother of his children, Jennifer Garner. Maybe they’ll get married again. Bets are on that Pete Davidson will crack onto Isla Fisher. Sacha Baron Cohen will probably get married to a woman thirty years younger than him. I’m certain of one thing: none of these new relationships will last.
