Reasons why marriage is an outdated institution that doesn’t benefit most people.
Marriage is an outdated societal milestone that is still subconsciously ingrained and coveted in modern society. Does marriage still serve a purpose in the 21st century and should there be an alternative way for partners to cement their love and deepen their commitment to one another? A question I ask myself is whether marriage is even necessary.
Traditionally and historically marriage was an institution that trapped women and only served to benefit men. Marriage served as a transaction; financially and in terms of passing over “property”. A woman went from being her father’s property to her husband’s property. Her husband would “own” her and be in control of all of the money and assets.
Whilst not all husbands saw their wives as property and did marry for love, unfortunately many men did use marriage to their advantage and to control women. Thankfully, in western society although marriage is no longer about controlling women or seeing them as property, there are still remnants of the sexist and outdated notions that continue to linger from societal validation to women still being expected to change their name when they marry.
Marriage does have a deep meaning for some people. Getting married can deepen their bond and affection for one another and make them feel unified. Also for religious people, marriage is a vital component and instruction in their religion. For most religious people it is important for God to bear witness to their commitment to one another. Having said that I believe in God, but I don’t believe that I need to prove my love and commitment to my partner as if God is already all knowing and omnipresent, they can already see the love and commitment me and and my partner have for one another.
I am Jewish and I believe in God, but I don’t see marriage as important which is deeply ironic as marriage is imperative in Judaism just as it is in most other major religions. I am a conservative/reform Jew which means that we don’t blindly follow tradition and are even allowed to question it. That’s what I love about Progressive Judaism and being a Progressive Jew.
Eschewing marriage does not make me less committed to Judaism. Marriage after all is not exclusive to just Judaism. It is a tradition with both religious and secular roots, and it’s one that I don’t think is particularly meaningful or necessary. Here are the reasons why I believe that marriage is an outdated institution.
1. People do not treat marriage as something sacred or special.
If marriage is meant to be something so important and life affirming, why is the divorce rate so high? Why do people break their vows? Why do people get married if deep down they don’t really want to commit or have cold feet about spending the rest of their life with their partner? Again it all points back to marriage being a transaction and a societal tradition that people feel is socially expected of them. It leads me onto my next point.
2. Marriage is still a financial transaction.
Many people get married because of the financial benefits from reduced taxes to being entitled to part of your spouse’s money and benefits. Although thankfully a wife has financial rights and benefits unlike in the past, women still take advantage of this. Think of gold diggers who marry men just for their money and when they get divorced, are entitled to hefty alimonies and a big portion of their husband’s money. Hardly a very romantic reason to get married. Marriage doesn’t benefit those who are very wealthy and marry somebody who is significantly less wealthy than they are.
In ordinary cases where one or both of the married couple aren’t so wealthy, the financial benefits can’t be that great especially as financial issues is one of the most common reasons for divorce. Married couples still struggle with the cost of living, child care and house prices like non-married couples.
Marriage shouldn’t be about money anyway. It’s despicable the somebody needs to get married in order to get certain perks like paying less tax. It just goes to show how society hasn’t moved forward and how marriage is seen as superior and socially acceptable, whilst being single or in a long-term relationship without wanting to get married is still frowned upon. This leads me to my next point.
3. Many people get married in order to feel validated by society.
Being a wife along with being a mother are key life goals that many women feel that they need to strive for in order to feel validated by society. From the portrayal in films to media, women who are unmarried are pitied and seen as less desirable. I think back of all the chick flicks like Bridget Jones’ Diary or He’s Just Not That Into You, where the heroines are desperate to get married. According to these chick flicks, if your boyfriend doesn’t propose or want to get married, he doesn’t take you seriously and will marry someone else.
Newsflash! Men who get married don’t always treat their wives seriously. Some men get married because they also feel pressured and deep down aren’t ready for commitment. Marriage doesn’t necessarily mean that a man is more serious about a woman and truly loves and respects her. Many married men still cheat, lie, behave immaturely and file for divorce.
The biggest turn of for me in a guy is a guy who say he wants to get married and settle down because most of his mates are married and settled down with kids. I feel like saying to these guys, “so if all of your mates jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?”
It just goes to show how marriage isn’t really about love, passion and finding your soul mate, but just a societal tick box. Marriage is not only a financial transaction but a societal transaction.
4. People spend so much time and money on planning a wedding.
Weddings really seem to bring out people’s true colours. Everybody is familiar with the term “Bridezilla”- a bride to be who wants her wedding day to be perfect and will throw tantrums and even lose friends and family if they don’t abide by her often stringent and ridiculous criteria. Fallouts over bridesmaids dresses, hen parties and unreasonable wedding related costs are common. It seems like getting married is less about the actual meaning of marriage and love, but about showing off and being the centre of attention.
Bridezillas are extremely selfish and want the day all to be about them, not about celebrating them and their partner’s love and commitment. Weddings are also extremely expensive and on average costs thousands of pounds. According to UK statistics, in 2023, the average wedding cost a whopping £20,700!!
Ok you don’t have to spend a lot of money on a wedding or make a big fuss, but weddings are still tiresome and costly nevertheless. I’m crap at planning and organisation and am the type of person that wouldn’t be able to organise a piss up in a brewery.
Even if you try to keep the wedding small, it’s very hard to do so. There will be people who will feel upset and left out for not being invited even if it wasn’t intentional. I would hate for friends, even ones that aren’t super close, to feel left out. Also it’s not just your friends and family, but your partner’s friends and family as well. I don’t have a big family; I have more friends than I do family which is sad, but some people have huge families and end up inviting relatives that they haven’t spoken to in years or don’t even like. It’s hard when it comes to numbers no matter how small you try to keep it. Unless you hire a big place and make people who want to come pay for their own food and drinks, it’s not an easy situation. Also it’s very unusual to pay for your own drinks and food at a wedding.
The organisation and stress makes me feel like I would want it to be just me and my partner without anybody else. You don’t have to prove your love to anyone else but each other. Whilst it’s nice to celebrate your love with others, in reality the logistics of planning a wedding are stressful, time consuming, overwhelming and expensive.
5. Marriage is still used as a method of control.
Whilst some women use marriage as a way to take advantage of wealthy men, some men still use marriage to control women. It’s much harder to walk away from abuse when married. Obtaining a divorce can take months and even years. In some countries, cultures and religions, husbands still have financial control and fulls rights over their wives. The woman’s word is worth less than a man’s. Unfair double standards still exist especially when it comes to infidelity. In some Islamic countries, adultery for women in punishable by death but for men, taking multiple wives is permitted.
In Orthodox Judaism, a husband can refuse his wife a divorce. There are many cases where women have been denied a divorce for several years and even decades. Marriage can be used as a tool to abuse women and keep them in their place and unfortunately still echoes traditional marriage of the past.
Even though it’s much easier for women to get divorced in western and secular society, divorce is still expensive, time consuming and traumatic. Obtaining a divorce can take months or even years and during that time you’re still tied to your partner by law which makes it hard to move on with a new partner when in the eyes of law you’re still legally married. There’s nothing worse than still being tied to somebody who abused you and/or broke your vows. When you’re not married to somebody, it’s easier to walk away and be free from your ex.
6. Marriage still comes with certain expectations.
When a couple gets married, society will expect and question certain things. It’s still expected for a wife to take her husband’s last name and if she doesn’t, society disapproves. Also people constantly ask married couples when they’re going to have kids and constantly expect baby news. Nobody asks a couple in a relationship when they’re going to have kids.
I have a close friend who is married and neither her or her husband want children. Even my other friends ask me when she’s going to have kids even though I’ve said many times her and her husband don’t want them. Also it can be a very painful topic for a married couple that has fertility issues.
Marriage also comes with certain gender expectations and separate roles. Although non-married couples can have unequal relationships, marriage can further cement that inequality. Traditional men want to get married because they want a wife to cook and clean for them and take care of them and the children.
By choosing not to get married, you’re showing that you don’t believe in or want to follow patriarchal traditions or expectations.
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So what could the alternatives to marriage be? How can couples mark their love and commitment for each other in ways that are meaningful, inexpensive and not steeped in patriarchal and oppressive tradition?
1. Sharing rings or another kind of personal and meaningful token.
I think the idea of wearing rings or jewellery as a symbol of your love and commitment is special and can be very meaningful especially when it’s personalised. Or giving special objects that symbolise your personality, interests and memories together is nice too.
2. Writing your own vows and/or love letters and reading them over a romantic dinner.
You don’t need an official wedding to share vows. You don’t need to prove your love and commitment to anybody but one another. I think in a way it’s more intimate and is something shared between just both of you.
3. Have an unofficial mock wedding or commitment ceremony and celebrate at home with your friends and family.
If you want to share your love, happiness and commitment with one another, but you see marriage as just a piece of paper or don’t like what marriage stands for, who says you can’t still celebrate? You don’t need to fork out on expensive venues, a wedding dress, accessories and plus and whole bunch of other costs related to a wedding.
You can celebrate in the comfort of your own home or your favourite place. The day can feel special with the added benefit of no stress or the feeling that you’re signing a contract or entering an institution that you don’t find beneficial or meaningful.
4. Go on a dream vacation together.
I can’t understand spending thousands of pounds on one day! I’d much rather spend that money on travelling. Travelling is far less stressful and time consuming (in terms of planning and the stress that comes with organizing a wedding), plus travelling together is a wonderful time to spend quality time together and increase your bond. I know I’d much rather spend my money on a relaxing dream holiday in the Caribbean than have arguments about what guests to invite and bridesmaids dresses.
5. Merging or double-barreling last names.
Whilst marriage equals tradition for most people including following sexist traditions that should really be outdated, marriage isn’t necessarily the way for more egalitarian couples. Merging or hyphenating surnames is a pretty deep indicator of your commitment for one another. You don’t have to get married to do that. Changing names is a legal process and that really shows commitment without having to get married.
Let me know your thoughts! I’m not saying that marriage is bad; for some people it is an important sign of commitment and a transition into a deeper and more serious relationship. I can understand why it can mean a lot to many people, but getting married in my eyes is just a piece of paper and a legal agreement that can turn nasty and complicated. Let know your thoughts in the comments below.
