Since being diagnosed as autistic I no longer feel the need to mask.

I was recently diagnosed as autistic at the age of 32 and it’s really changed my life. I feel that I understand myself far better and don’t put pressure on myself. For most of my early adult life, I managed to mask my autism. I learnt better social skills and tried so hard to fit in only to find that I was still different and still didn’t fit in anywhere apart from with my Jewish circle and few non-Jewish friends who I’m so grateful to have. I think being Jewish and sharing the same culture, heritage and experiences really unite us but that’s for a different article. My friends (Jewish and non-Jewish) love and accept me for who I am, warts and all.

You wouldn’t think I’m autistic because I have lots of friends. The misconception is that autistic people don’t have friends and are unable to form friendships. This is untrue. No two autistic people are the same. I have two close friends who are autistic. One is very extrovert and chatty with lots of friends and the other is very shy and quiet and doesn’t have many friends. Being autistic doesn’t mean that people don’t like you and want to be as far away from you as possible. We’re just regular folk but we struggle with understanding and reading most people and social situations.

I no longer feel like I have to try and make people like me. I no longer try so hard to fit in and act the way that people expect me to. I recently went on a trip to South Africa (article on that coming soon). I went with a group for safety reasons. I didn’t particularly bond with most of the people in the group. We had nothing in common. Maybe it was a cultural thing as everybody in the group but me was American. I was the only Brit. I tried hard to be friendly and talk, but I just felt I couldn’t relate to most of the people or them to me so I just left it. I just couldn’t relate to their obsession with Taylor Swift, reality TV or getting tattoos.

Before I would have tried so hard to fit in with the group and have them accept me. I spent most of the free time doing things by myself and I was fine with it. I didn’t have to talk to anyone, I could do whatever I wanted and take my time. I could get lost in my head and relish all of the wonderful experiences. It made me realize that I don’t need a group to travel (with the exception of day or half day tours). I’m perfectly content traveling by myself or with friends and family.

I also understand now why I like and don’t like to do certain things. My friends find it weird that I like to eat the same dinner every night (stir fry with noodles, chicken and veg). I’ll eat the same dinner or breakfast for a while until something else takes my fancy. It’s OK and I don’t need to change up my eating habits because other people think it’s boring. I mean at least I’m perfectly prepared for the answer to the hypothetical question, “if you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?”

People keep telling me that I should live abroad and teach English. A lot of people can’t understand why being an English teacher I don’t want to teach English abroad. Although I love travelling, I would find moving abroad extremely stressful and scary. I would find it scary not knowing anybody and I would struggle to make friends because I find it hard with my autism. Plus I have my friends, family, cats and community here. What more do I need? Moving abroad even if it’s for a few months sounds like a great adventure, but in reality it’s scary. I don’t have to do something just because other people think I should or that it would benefit me. Change is scary for people with autism. If I’m happy why should I change? I would only change something if I wasn’t happy. If I like my job and where I live, why should I need to change these things? I wouldn’t leave a job I like especially if I’m accepted and appreciated there in order to look for “new opportunities” and more money.

People don’t understand my mindset but I no longer feel that I have to be something I’m not. I no longer feel like I have to join in with small talk especially when it comes to conversations that don’t interest me. Obviously small talk is unavoidable especially when it’s one to one. I find it really hard and I’m working on strategies to deal with it but at least with groups nobody expects you to talk much if at all.

I’m learning not to push myself to socialize. Sometimes I do want to go out because I get bored being stuck at home and I know that it decreases my chances of meeting a guy especially as dating apps don’t work for me. I do enjoy going out to events if I know my friends are going and there will be like-minded people there. I do know that as hard as it is to meet new people, I have met people whose company I enjoy so I can’t close myself off all the time.

I find socializing when I don’t know people terrifying. I went to a pro-Israel rally alone where there were thousands of people. It was terrifying as I didn’t know anybody. Luckily I met somebody who was also alone and we made friends. Recently I pushed myself to go to a Jewish mini-golf event. I was feeling lonely at home but was in two minds about going out. I decided to go because a friend of mine was going though she pulled out last minute. I had already paid so I thought, fuck it I’m going. I’m glad I went as there were already people I knew there and I had some good conversations. Also playing mini-golf was a good way to help people to open up. I also discovered that I quite like mini golf and am not too bad at it (I’m proud that I came second).

Sometimes taking the plunge can be scary. I do like my own company but I’m still human and prone to loneliness. As much as I love my cats, I do need human company from time to time. However, I feel more comfortable telling people I have autism and am not great at small talk, especially at Jewish events. I don’t think it makes people think less of me. Some people have said they like my honesty and I say what I think. One of my good friends who I met at work said that my honesty and unfiltered manner is so refreshing. He loves the time when everybody was talking about their school days in the staffroom and I blurted out that my school was a shit hole in front of everyone.

I’m embracing my quirks. So what I’m not good with most people, there are people that like me and are drawn to my honesty, humor and quirkiness. Not everybody has to like me. So what people think I’m weird because I can go days without speaking to somebody and it not affect me. I see myself as a camel- I need water (people) but not all the time. I can go without people for a while. So what people think it’s strange that I eat chicken stir fry and granola with yoghurt every day or can listen to the same song ten times in a row? So what I like don’t like groups, crowds and noise? So what I’m happy staying in rainy old England? So what I don’t follow the crowd and am not afraid to be myself? I’ve been masking for so long. Now it’s time for people to see the real me.