The rise of situationships and how to avoid getting into one.

The rise of situationships has become increasingly common over the past few years. First it’s important to establish what is defined as a situationship. The term “Situationship” was first coined by Cosmopolitan Magazine journalist Carina Hsieh in 2017 in an article about the rise of dating apps. According to Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University, “Situationships can be defined as romantic relationships with no clarity or label. They might include affection, sexual behaviors, and spending time together but also involve low levels of commitment.

A situationship is essentially a relationship without any commitment.” Dr. Romanoff adds that “this type of arrangement allows individuals to experience the benefits of being in a relationship and being single simultaneously.” https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-situationship-5216144#:~:text=Situationships%20can%20be%20defined%20as,without%20any%20commitment%2C%20says%20Dr.

Friends with benefits was a common arrangement prior to the inception of situationships. In a friends with benefits type of relationship, there are more clearly defined boundaries. Both go into this arrangement knowing that it’s just about sex and there’s usually no emotional involvement. With situationships, the boundaries are not so clear cut. There’s a lot of uncertainty hanging in the air and it’s difficult to know where you stand.

Of course in a friends with benefits type arrangement, feelings can develop or it can grow to become a situationship. As I mentioned, friends with benefits type arrangements exist off the premise that there is no romantic attachment. If a person does develop feelings, usually the arrangement ends or it turns into an official relationship. There’s usually an end to the uncertainty, but with situationships, the uncertainty is the driving force.

I think that the rise in situationships stems from the dissatisfaction with hook up culture but at the same time the fear of commitment. A situationship can offer the best of both worlds but it’s not a healthy type of arrangement. It’s often about power play. One person usually has the upper hand and controls the status of the relationship and it’s progression (or lack of in most cases).

Whilst situationships have always existed (you could class an affair as an example of a situationship), they’re increasingly more common and many situationships now don’t involve extra marital relationships.

Another reason for the rise of situationships is dating apps. As mentioned, the term arose from an article about dating apps. On dating apps, people have so many options at their fingertips. People are inundated with so much choice that they’re constantly striving for the best option they can find. Of course perfection doesn’t exist and people who are looking for it will never be satisfied.

The person who has the least power in the situationship is usually a filler until the one that holds the power finds a “better” option. That’s really what it all boils down to. The person with the upper hand wants not only their physical needs met, but their emotional needs. I mean we’re all human at the end of the day and crave affection and closeness.

However situationships are not a satisfying solution as it creates anxiety and uncertainty for one half of the couple. The one who has the upper hand is selfish and immature. They want the perks of a relationship without being committed and keeping their options open.

Situationships rarely ever develop into a real and official relationship. I briefly experienced a situationship with a guy I had known for a while, let’s call him Damian*. Damian and I mixed in the same circles and became friends. I think we were both a bit lonely and horny so we hooked up.

It seemed like more than a hook up, but less than something more. Damian said he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but for him it didn’t seem to be just about sex. He enjoyed confiding in me, talking to me and cuddling. I was confused so I said that it’s best we don’t hook up again.

We remained friends but over time I thought that feelings were starting to grow. Despite me putting boundaries in place, he still kept flirting with me. He confided in me that he wasn’t over his ex and I gave him advice on how to get over her. I felt that over the next few months we were growing closer. He even confided in me that he had feelings for me. I felt that I had feelings too and a month later we ended up in bed again. Again it wasn’t just about sex, but we chatted, confided in one another and cuddled.

When I asked Damian about where he saw things heading with us, he backtracked on what he said about having feelings for me. He said that he wasn’t looking for a relationship and even told me that he fancied my friend more than me! He said that maybe me and him could have a relationship one day when he was ready.

I knew then and there that he was toxic and I had to put a stop to it for good. I was angry and confused that he told me that he had feelings for me a month ago but then denied it. I was angry that he had the audacity to tell me that he fancied my friend more than me. Even if it was true, how can you just come out with it when you’re in bed with someone.

I knew that he would never want a relationship with me and to be honest I didn’t either. I should have known that he’s a player and that the whole vulnerable nice guy thing was an act. I deserved better than some idiot approaching 40 who couldn’t get his life together or get over an ex who broke up with him years ago. He was looking for someone like his ex. My friend apparently looked like her. Damian was a serial dater and dating was a distraction from his sad lonely life and feelings of rejection from an ex who didn’t want him.

I told him that was it. No more friendship or hanging out. He wasn’t very happy with this and pleaded with me not to cut contact. He said that he didn’t want to lose me as a friend and that he really liked me as a person. I told him that he doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it.

I’m very glad that I cut contact with Damian. If I hadn’t and had continued with this twisted friendship, he would only continue to manipulate me to sleep with him and give him the affection and closeness he craved but without a relationship. I knew that he’d keep on messing with my head, telling me he had feelings for me one minute and the next denying his feelings.

This could have gone on for months or even years. During that time I would grow more feelings, hold out hope for a relationship with him and waste more time. I might not have gotten with my boyfriend.

I’m very lucky that I’ve found my boyfriend. We’re in a committed and official relationship. We both know where we stand and there’s no confusion or anxiety about feelings and the future of our relationship. I know my boyfriend’s feelings for me are genuine and strong. We both value monogamy and long-term relationships over hook ups and other crappy dating trends that lead to hurt and confusion.

Here are some things you can do to prevent yourself from getting into a situationship.

1. Set clear boundaries right from the start.

Don’t be afraid to voice your needs and expectations. If you’re looking for a committed relationship, tell the person that you’re seeing that’s what you’re after from the start. Don’t worry if it makes you come across as intense or eager. The right person will be after the same thing. My boyfriend and I were honest from the start that we’re both seeking a relationship.

If the person you’re seeing says that they don’t know what they want or “see how things go,” take it as a sign that they’re not after a relationship and don’t waste your time.

2. Walk away when they say something along the lines of, “I’m not looking for a relationship right now, but maybe further down the line we’ll see.”

This means that they definitely don’t want a relationship and are just saying that they might change their mind to give you false hope and keep you around. Tell them, “you either want a relationship now or not. I’m not going to wait around for you to change your mind. I’m worth more than that.”

3. Ensure that words and actions match.

The person with the upper hand in the relationship will often tell you what you want to hear in order to keep you around. Do they tell you that you’re beautiful, amazing and they’re developing feelings only to blow hot and cold with you, ignore you and deny their words?

If that’s the case, get out now and cut them off. Telling you what you want to hear is a manipulation technique to have you at their beck and call.

4. Know your worth.

You deserve better than somebody who uses you to meet their own selfish needs. You deserve somebody who wants to be committed to you and is certain about their feelings for you.

To conclude, situationships are not healthy and fulfilling relationships even if they are common. Unfortunately a situationship is just another toxic dating trend that contributes to the decline to monogamy and committed relationships.