Why it’s so difficult for many women to find a man.

Monica S
11 min readJan 2, 2024

It’s no secret that modern dating is a disheartening, frustrating and anxiety inducing endeavour. The age of dating apps has made it easier for people to be deceptive and cruel, coupled with the fact that we live in a superficial and throw-away society. I want to start off by saying that this is not a man-hating article. I’m not blaming ALL men and I’m aware that women behave just as badly. I’m sure that there are many decent men out there, but the majority of them are already taken or extremely hard to find. Even guys that do seem decent initially can turn out to be not so decent. Many of my female friends also struggle as well and face the same problems.

There are many men who complain about being single, but the reason that they’re single can be because they’re self-destructive and are looking for something they isn’t realistic. This article is also out there for guys who are single and display the behaviours below. Perhaps these behaviours would be a bit more understandable in young guys in their 20’s, but many of them are in their 30’s, 40’s and older. Like I said this article doesn’t apply to all men- women can be just as toxic too. This article is based on mine and my friends’ experiences. It would also be interesting to hear from men’s dating experiences as well. Below are the reasons why many single women struggle with dating.

1) Men don’t know how to talk to or approach women.

So many times my friends are I are completely blanked by guys on dating apps even if we match and start the conversation. Or if on the rare occasion they do reply or start a conversation, it rarely goes anywhere past small talk. Many of these guys don’t really have the intention of meeting in real life or only want to meet if sex is a high probability. Conversation often becomes stilted after suggestions to arrange a date. What is the point of signing up for a dating app if you have no intention to meet anybody or if you’re too busy to date?

Whilst understandably there is a lot of choice online, surely it’s better to match with fewer people, but make an effort to talk to them and get to know them? Talking to strangers can be daunting and small talk is not everybody’s cup of tea, but you don’t need to speak at length before arranging to go on a date. Talking to someone online is far different to meeting them in reality. Many people may not be chatty in online, but have a lot to say in person or it may seem like you have a lot in common when you chat online, but find out you have nothing in common in reality. Meeting someone in person is the only way to figure out if there’s really a real connection there.

I also go to in-person dating events and many of the men there just hang out with the other guys and won’t speak to any of the women. Whilst there’s nothing wrong with approaching a guy first, many of these guys don’t look approachable. They won’t make eye contact or smile, or they’ll be preoccupied with their phone or talking to the other guys. One of my guy friends who is in his 40’s and single was at a recent dating event. He sat right at the back hardly making any effort to speak to any women. He didn’t even seem to want to be there! No wonder so many women struggle when men aren’t willing to approach women or for women to approach them.

2) Men can be creepy and intense.

The opposite to aloof guys that don’t make any effort are guys who make women feel uncomfortable. Whilst these guys certainly aren’t afraid to talk to women, they do so in a way that doesn’t respect their boundaries nor do they take cues from body language. They may randomly come up to a woman in the street or on public transport (I’ve had that happen before) and outright ask for their number. Doing this is creepy, overly direct and makes women feel deeply uncomfortable. They also don’t look for cues of reciprocation for example on public transport if a woman doesn’t smile at you, avoids eye contact and is engrossed in a phone or book, she mostly likely doesn’t want to talk to you. If she keeps looking at you, smiling and making eye contact, perhaps take the chance to speak to her but don’t outright ask for her number.

Guys can also be intense when you are speaking to them or dating them. Some guys don’t respect that some women don’t want to be tactile on a first date or even first few dates. My last ex-boyfriend wanted to kiss and hold hands on the very first date, but I didn’t feel comfortable because I felt it was a bit too much and secondly, it was during the pandemic.

Intense guys also ask too many personal questions and tell you too much about themselves. They may ask you awkward questions and ask for reassurance such as asking what you think of them and if you see a future with them even though you barely know them! Intense guys tend to message a lot and want to meet all the time. They’ll get upset if you don’t message back right away or if you can’t see them when they want to see you. My ex was like this and it was very suffocating. My friends have also dated guys like this. It seems like there isn’t much middle ground and that many guys I meet are either zero or one hundred on the scale!

3) Men want perfection and keep waiting around for something “better”.

This is unfortunately a very common occurrence that I see with guys. You could put a gorgeous supermodel with an incredible personality in front of them, and I bet you that they’d still say that there’s something missing. Like women who are looking for the “perfect” man and have unreasonable expectations, there are men who also seek perfection in a partner and have the same unrealistic standards. Even if they date a woman who they’re very attracted to, have great chemistry with, have a lot in common with and enjoy spending time with, these guys will still pick at minor flaws and find a reason to reject her.

It’s like my guy friend who doesn’t speak to women at dating events. He won’t give any woman a chance and even if he finds her attractive and interesting; he wants that instantaneous spark and connection. He says he wants to find “the one”, but you won’t find “the one” if you’re looking for somebody on a superficial level. Infatuation is often confused with love, but it’s not real love and rarely progresses to real love either. They may think that person is sexy, amazing and that they have an incredible connection, but once that infatuation bubble bursts, they realise that they’re not perfect and have flaws.

My intense and creepy ex was like that. He had a pattern of having several (twenty to be precise) short lived and intense relationships, only to lose interest once the feeling of infatuation wore off. It’s unrealistic to expect that intense feeling of infatuation to last forever. Infatuation becomes replaced with familiarity, routine and learning about one another on a deeper level where you’re not always the best version of yourself. True love is about taking time to get to know one another and accepting the good with the bad. That feeling of getting to know one another and growing feelings is far more exciting and meaningful than going from a hundred back to zero in a short space of time.

Many men are too immature to understand what real love is. In reality they often have little to offer themselves hence they have such big expectations of a partner. They want someone to meet all of their needs and make up for what they lack. Some of these guys will eventually settle down when the pressure to get married and have kids hits them. Even then they won’t be truly happy and will cheat.

4) Men don’t know what they want and are scared to grow up.

It’s not true that older men are more mature. There are many men in their 30’s, 40’s and even older that are scared to commit. They want a relationship or marriage and kids, but when it comes to the crunch, it freaks them out. They’re suddenly scared of the prospect of having responsibilities and sharing their life with somebody. On the same breath, they also hate being alone and want companionship which leads me to my next point which I’ll go onto in a minute.

Yes being in a relationship and committing to somebody can feel scary, women get scared too, but it doesn’t have to be. It can be off-putting seeing other people in unfulfilled and unhappy relationships and marriages, but that doesn’t mean that if you have a relationship or get married that it will be the same for you. People in unhappy relationships and marriages often get into relationships for the wrong reasons, are deeply insecure and don’t have the same core values and mutual respect for one another to make a relationship work. The right partner will alleviate your fears and make you look forward to a future with them.

I know many guys who feel that in order to find a partner, they need to have their own property and be financially secure. No wonder the idea of being with someone is scary if they expect that there will be financial pressure put on them by a partner. The right partner won’t care about whether or not you live at home with your parents or what salary you’re on.

5) Men can get their emotional and physical needs met outside of a relationship.

Nowadays, there are so many different ways for men and women to get what they want without any commitment. Want to have sex? Simple; just hook up with someone on Tinder. Want to pass the boredom and loneliness without actually being in a relationship, call up your friends with benefits and see if they want to hang out.

The latter is more harmful as feelings often tend to develop over time, at least on one side. Recently I hooked up with a guy friend
(we’re not really friends anymore) and when we were together, he acted like we were in a relationships. He wanted me to stay the whole night and for most of the day, wanted cuddles and to talk and tell me his problems, but he didn’t want a relationship. At least not with me. It would have been easier if it was all just about sex, but for him it wasn’t. He said that it wasn’t all about sex for him. We didn’t even have a lot of sex. I believe him as he’s very lonely. He doesn’t realise that he’s creating his own loneliness.

He said that he’s not ready for a relationship or in the right headspace, but it’s not fair to use someone as a therapist or act like you’re in a relationship with them when you’re not. Yes we all go through low periods where we can use comfort and company, but it’s wrong and selfish to rely on someone when you’re feeling low or bored, but toss them aside when you’re feeling great and stimulated. Whilst relationships should be about comfort and support, it should also mean enjoying the good and fun moments in life with that person too.

6) Men don’t respect women and play games.

It’s very difficult to feel good about yourself as a woman if a man doesn’t see your worth. Playing hot and cold, not respecting your boundaries and feelings, and taking advantage of you are not signs of respect. Many men manipulate and take advantage of women who have low self-esteem. Women who have been brought up or brainwashed by society into accepting bad behaviour for example when he gets back in touch after a lengthy space of ignoring and ghosting her, she’ll be so pleased to hear from him that she’ll his behaviour slide.

I’ve been guilty of it myself in the past. I allowed myself to be manipulated and bullied by a narcissistic ex who constantly put me down. I would try to change who I was so that he wouldn’t leave me. I’m very lucky that my friends and family helped me to realise how toxic he was and how much he ruined me mentally. There are women who will do whatever it takes to keep their man even if it means accepting things that deeply hurt them. Shame on these men who have such little respect for women and care so little for their feelings and needs. Who wants to be with a selfish man who constantly puts himself first and expects a woman to bow to his every whim or accept him back each time he fucks up?

7) Men are intimidated by independent women.

There are men who are intimidated by independent women because they won’t allow a man to treat them like shit. These men want a woman who is meek and submissive that they can control. A woman having her own mind, successful career and money only emasculates these men as they want to be the ones in control. They don’t believe in relationships based on equality and respect. Men who are intimidated by independent women often complain about being single because women are too independent. They worry that a woman won’t put their selfish ass first and sacrifice herself for his happiness.

Men like this belong in the 1950’s and should find themselves a tradwife (if they’ll be lucky enough to find one) or wake up and get to grips with women’s rights and equality. What sane woman wants to be with a man that sees her as inferior and doesn’t encourage her success and goals?

So here are all of the reasons why my friends and I struggle in this cruel pond of dating. Comment below if you can relate or if you’re a man share the difficulties you face when dating women. Are you guilty of any of these reasons?



Monica S

I love writing. I may be controversial but I'm not afraid to say it how it is.